Social Media? More like Unsocial Media. Am I right, ladies?

The world has become a bleak place, devoid of human interaction. A hovercraft zooms past as friends gather in the city’s labyrinth of steel and concrete. They silently pull their phones out and begin texting each other.

“Hi badb1tch01, hw r u?”

“Im gud, M186. Sry im late. Supposed to be grounded. #thuglife”

The power of speech has been lost at the hand of social media.

Scary? Sure. Sci-fi? Well no, this future isn’t so futuristic, it’s more or less already happening today.

Well, except for the hovercrafts. That needs to happen already.

We are currently in a world where social media is not just a way of life but basically defines our day-to-day existence. We make ourselves publicly accessible and, in turn, are judged by what we say and do. Under the social media spotlight, people don’t fear retribution, rather they relish over-sharing how much alcohol they consumed last night, how many people they made out with or how many penguins they stole from the zoo with the hashtag YOLO slapped on.

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evil-coffee

Coffee? You’re Frothing Mad

Gather around everyone, I have a startling confession to make. I don’t like coffee – I know, try not to faint. I’m one of those mythical creatures you only hear about in hushed tones; the kind that causes villagers to grab their pitchforks in fear and confused anger. I don’t like it. I don’t like the taste or the strange effects it has on my body and I don’t understand why you’re all so into it.

It’s like people came together and decided that there simply weren’t enough bitter things in the world that result in a foul aftertaste, fuzzy teeth and feeling jittery all day.

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What is this place?

So if you have managed to stumble across this page already, who are you and what kind of gypsy magics are you using to find me? Also, you may be wondering what this site is and why it’s a thing when there is no content yet. And to that I say, hold on to your horses. Content will be coming very soon. Between leftover pizza and brushing my hair, I am intensely busy.

I have had a handful of columns published recently and wish to share these with you. I will start posting these weekly from next Tuesday/Wednesday and will continue to do so until I catch up to what I have had published and have written and then we will see what happens.

You may also be wondering, “Awkward Matt, why does this page look so bleak and desolate just like your soul?” and to that I say “you’re not my dad. You can’t tell me what to do” and also that a banner will come and with more fiddling with things, this site will look prettier. That I can promise! It will be like those makeover shows like “Pimp my ride”. Yes, it will be that glorious. However, at the moment with creating and tweaking this site, I kind of feel like I am an elephant just randomly mashing buttons and hoping for the best.

So here’s to new beginnings and other things that people raise their glass to.

In the meantime, here is a picture of me as a child eating a cake for no reason other than because I can:

Fun fact: I still eat cake the same way. I am currently 26. Yes, this is what being a successful adult is like.

Fun fact: I still eat cake the same way. I am currently 26. Yes, this is what being a successful adult is like.